Well hello there! As you may or may not know. I am 5 days from my wedding. I haven't decided whether or not I'll post another blog this week to make up for next week, or just simply go away for a week and let it slide. Thoughts?
This past month has been crazy. I've dealt with a lot of uncertainties that I've felt going into this marriage, and things that have caused me to take a moment and ponder what it is I'm actually doing. Today though, I think I'm going to work a little differently. Today I think I'm going to focus on mostly what I am sure about, and what I feel more confident about.
Everyone keeps asking if I'm nervous. I know the answer should be "Yes, I am terribly nervous and it's only going to get worse." But in all honesty, I'm not nervous. I spent my twenties single, I got to grow up and learn about who I am. I got to be the free single guy for a time, and it was fun to be sure. But I'm ready to start taking the next step in my life. And that next step is getting married and beginning a family. I'm ready to make the transition from "single guy" to "Married Man". And to start to learn how to be the next step: "The Dad".
Of course I won't lie. I have no clue what all that entails, but I am ready to start the learning process. I never went through the, "I MUST GET MARRIED" stage. That thought of, "If I don't get married, I'm not complete." never came to my mind. A lot of that had to do with a tough relationship that had many, many downsides, and brought the relationship pain to the forefront. So I could have as honest a look at the relationship process as I could. And I knew that while it was something I wanted, it wasn't something I NEEDED to make my life complete. It took awhile to really practice it, but I figured out that God will use me in whatever state I'm in, and I simply need to be doing what I'm called to be doing at that point in time.
And so I'm ready now to be used by God in the state that I'm about to enter in to. So no, not nervous. Totally not prepared for the adventure, but not nervous.
What I am ready for is for some normalcy to begin to enter back into life. As my girl Posted on her Blog, we are in a MAJOR state of flux right now. And with all the planning, buying, learning, moving, setup, life, work. . . . We just don't have a state of normal we can crawl into. And I know, after the wedding, we'll have a new normal we'll have to get used to, but at least it will be a normal we can get used to. My dad told me, "Welcome to the new normal." And in some ways I can see that. From here on out, it's never going to be a same old routine. It will be different living, eating and sleeping with someone in that kind of proximity. Kids are a whole other issue, and we still have to figure out each other as we go along.
I just want to have something that, at least for a little while, won't be in a constant state of flux like we are in now. Neither one of us have a place that is ours. And I think that might be the biggest issue. Once we have "our place" no matter what else changes, that will be our refuge and we will be there to help each other through it.
Well, as I draw this blog to it's conclusion, I will say this. While I'm sure I'll have more and more questions on the other side of the wedding, I am looking forward to it, like I haven't looked forward to anything in a long time. And hopefully, I'll be giving you guys more positive type blogs about life, rather than the deep, thought provoking, (and a little depressing sometimes) blogs that have been in the past.
See you later this week. (Maybe ;-D)
Monday, April 11, 2011
Monday, April 4, 2011
Am I really ready?
12 Days and counting.
I had someone at church yesterday ask me if it was real yet. I answered that it's getting more and more real everyday, but that I don't know when it will truly hit home. I've talked in other posts about things that have made it more real, so I won't go back into them, but I know it's not truly real yet, and it scares me a little that I don't know when it really will be. I look at it a lot like I look at life in heaven. I understand the fundamental concept, but I can't grasp the weight of it, what it's really going to look and feel like. I know the basics of me marrying my girl, what that all entails, but as I said in my last post, I'm just now beginning to come to the edge of the the true gravity of the situation and circumstances. I don't know what our life together is going to look like. I don't know how it will work. I can't plan for every situation, reaction, and fallout. I can't really plan for anything. I can just hope I've got the basics down as best as I can, and ride out the little things.
But I can't imagine what it's REALLY going to be like. I can't see how all the little things are going to work themselves out, and how we will behave towards each other.
And at a basic level, that scares me to death. Most of you who read this know that I plan. All the time I'm working out different scenarios and the outcomes, what my moves are, what reactions will be, move/counter-move, all that. But I can't do that here. Just when I think I might have it down, something changes, something I didn't see. And I have to fundamentally look at what I thought might happen, and most of the time, I have to throw that out the window and start over. (NOTE: Anyone married is probably laughing right now, because you know this like a bad history lesson.) And at my base level I don't like that. I don't like not knowing how to handle a situation, because it makes me feel like I'm not prepared or I wasn't good enough to prepare properly. Which then leads to the idea that I'm not ready.
I've been asked if I'm ready. I've asked myself if I'm ready. And I know I'm not. I know I'm not supposed to be ready either. I know that if I'm prideful enough to believe I am ready, I'm in for a big, nasty, unpleasant, surprise. But at my base level of who I am, the doubt always seems to creep in. "If you're not ready, you're not good enough!" And I feel like a failure. I feel like I won't be able to be the man my girl needs and deserves. Not simply that I won't do it, (that leads us down a whole different rabbit trail) but that quite simply, I can't do it. I don't have the ability to do it at all, let alone simply choose not to do it.
And that's what I fight with every time I make a mistake in our relationship. The thought of, "YOU CAN'T EVER DO IT RIGHT!" shoots through me like a freight train. I know I screwed up, I know I made a mistake, I know that I'll do it for the rest of my life with her. And I know that it's not the fact that I did it that matters, it's that 1. How I handle myself afterwords matters more, and 2. That I am constantly striving to better myself and do it less and less. But it doesn't stop the thought. it doesn't make me feel better at that moment. And it really makes me wonder if I am really ready for this at all?
Am I ready at any kind of level for the change in my life that's about to happen? Am I the man that she deserves to have at any level? Can I really do what I need to do when the time comes? A lot of people say that no you can't, you never will. That's what God is for. And I agree with that to a point. I truly believe we are all fallen, that we all will eventually choose to be selfish and do what's best for us without the aid of the Holy Spirit, I also believe that we are responsible for our actions. Good or bad.
I heard vows at a wedding once that said "I can't do this, only God will make this work." Does that mean that if things go bad, it's God's fault because he didn't make it work? That somehow we can absolve ourselves from the responsibility of doing our part because we are obviously going to fail? No, absolutely not. We need God because we need an outside power to tell us straight and to the point that "this is right, and that is wrong". We need the Holy Spirit to act as a true and holy voice to reinforce our conscience. We know what right and wrong behaviors are, we just can eventually learn to tune it out. The Holy Spirit gives us support to do the right thing because we desire a relationship with our creator.
But in the end, we have to make the decision. We have to decide what we are going to do. God is not making our choices for us, He is not pressing our buttons to make our marriage, or work life, or faith life work. We push the buttons, and we are wholly responsible for the consequences of those actions.
And that's just more and more responsibility that we have. I know a lot of people don't like that word. Like it's some sort of disease, "EWW! He's infected with RESPONSIBILITY!" Because we don't like the fact that we have no one else to blame if we do wrong, and we are held accountable for it. Yet we love to take responsibility if we do something right and there's a reward. But it always matters, and it's becoming more and more apparent to me everyday.
As I look at my future, I realize that at the cornerstone of what I'm building for our marriage needs to be this:
Good or bad, I am and will be responsible for every decision I make in my marriage, and I can't pass that on someone else. I can't say it's not my fault, or it's not my choice. I have to be willing to own up to what I do all the time, and the decisions I make. And I have to live with what happens. I have to accept it and fix what's wrong, accentuate what's right, and move on once it's done. And I have to accept that I'm never going to add up to who I should be all the time, but that I will always persevere to be who I am required to be.
So am I really ready for married life? Nope. Not even close.
But, am I ready to take the reigns of my life and work to be the best man my girl deserves? Yes. Why you ask? Because God commands it, and She deserves nothing less.
I had someone at church yesterday ask me if it was real yet. I answered that it's getting more and more real everyday, but that I don't know when it will truly hit home. I've talked in other posts about things that have made it more real, so I won't go back into them, but I know it's not truly real yet, and it scares me a little that I don't know when it really will be. I look at it a lot like I look at life in heaven. I understand the fundamental concept, but I can't grasp the weight of it, what it's really going to look and feel like. I know the basics of me marrying my girl, what that all entails, but as I said in my last post, I'm just now beginning to come to the edge of the the true gravity of the situation and circumstances. I don't know what our life together is going to look like. I don't know how it will work. I can't plan for every situation, reaction, and fallout. I can't really plan for anything. I can just hope I've got the basics down as best as I can, and ride out the little things.
But I can't imagine what it's REALLY going to be like. I can't see how all the little things are going to work themselves out, and how we will behave towards each other.
And at a basic level, that scares me to death. Most of you who read this know that I plan. All the time I'm working out different scenarios and the outcomes, what my moves are, what reactions will be, move/counter-move, all that. But I can't do that here. Just when I think I might have it down, something changes, something I didn't see. And I have to fundamentally look at what I thought might happen, and most of the time, I have to throw that out the window and start over. (NOTE: Anyone married is probably laughing right now, because you know this like a bad history lesson.) And at my base level I don't like that. I don't like not knowing how to handle a situation, because it makes me feel like I'm not prepared or I wasn't good enough to prepare properly. Which then leads to the idea that I'm not ready.
I've been asked if I'm ready. I've asked myself if I'm ready. And I know I'm not. I know I'm not supposed to be ready either. I know that if I'm prideful enough to believe I am ready, I'm in for a big, nasty, unpleasant, surprise. But at my base level of who I am, the doubt always seems to creep in. "If you're not ready, you're not good enough!" And I feel like a failure. I feel like I won't be able to be the man my girl needs and deserves. Not simply that I won't do it, (that leads us down a whole different rabbit trail) but that quite simply, I can't do it. I don't have the ability to do it at all, let alone simply choose not to do it.
And that's what I fight with every time I make a mistake in our relationship. The thought of, "YOU CAN'T EVER DO IT RIGHT!" shoots through me like a freight train. I know I screwed up, I know I made a mistake, I know that I'll do it for the rest of my life with her. And I know that it's not the fact that I did it that matters, it's that 1. How I handle myself afterwords matters more, and 2. That I am constantly striving to better myself and do it less and less. But it doesn't stop the thought. it doesn't make me feel better at that moment. And it really makes me wonder if I am really ready for this at all?
Am I ready at any kind of level for the change in my life that's about to happen? Am I the man that she deserves to have at any level? Can I really do what I need to do when the time comes? A lot of people say that no you can't, you never will. That's what God is for. And I agree with that to a point. I truly believe we are all fallen, that we all will eventually choose to be selfish and do what's best for us without the aid of the Holy Spirit, I also believe that we are responsible for our actions. Good or bad.
I heard vows at a wedding once that said "I can't do this, only God will make this work." Does that mean that if things go bad, it's God's fault because he didn't make it work? That somehow we can absolve ourselves from the responsibility of doing our part because we are obviously going to fail? No, absolutely not. We need God because we need an outside power to tell us straight and to the point that "this is right, and that is wrong". We need the Holy Spirit to act as a true and holy voice to reinforce our conscience. We know what right and wrong behaviors are, we just can eventually learn to tune it out. The Holy Spirit gives us support to do the right thing because we desire a relationship with our creator.
But in the end, we have to make the decision. We have to decide what we are going to do. God is not making our choices for us, He is not pressing our buttons to make our marriage, or work life, or faith life work. We push the buttons, and we are wholly responsible for the consequences of those actions.
And that's just more and more responsibility that we have. I know a lot of people don't like that word. Like it's some sort of disease, "EWW! He's infected with RESPONSIBILITY!" Because we don't like the fact that we have no one else to blame if we do wrong, and we are held accountable for it. Yet we love to take responsibility if we do something right and there's a reward. But it always matters, and it's becoming more and more apparent to me everyday.
As I look at my future, I realize that at the cornerstone of what I'm building for our marriage needs to be this:
Good or bad, I am and will be responsible for every decision I make in my marriage, and I can't pass that on someone else. I can't say it's not my fault, or it's not my choice. I have to be willing to own up to what I do all the time, and the decisions I make. And I have to live with what happens. I have to accept it and fix what's wrong, accentuate what's right, and move on once it's done. And I have to accept that I'm never going to add up to who I should be all the time, but that I will always persevere to be who I am required to be.
So am I really ready for married life? Nope. Not even close.
But, am I ready to take the reigns of my life and work to be the best man my girl deserves? Yes. Why you ask? Because God commands it, and She deserves nothing less.
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