Wow, May 25th was the last time I was on and posted something. Time flies I guess. Well, most of you who ready my blog also read my wife's, so I'll try to make it different as best I can.
So let me catch up on where we are. We are finally moving into the house like we were supposed to be doing April 25th. 2 months late. Not bad I guess. Frustrating for me, but at least we can say we have a home finally. Rooms are being unpacked, put together, and most importantly, used. Molly cooked the first meal of our house last night, and we've had my very close friend staying with us for the week while he was in town. All in all we're making progress, and we are moving in the right direction. It has not been easy. Not even in the slightest. The weekend of the move has, (I think) harmed my relationship with my parents very deeply. Any of you who have known me for a while, know that up until a few years ago my relationship with my parents was rocky at best. It was my issues that I needed to deal with. I needed to grow up and I needed to stop being the jerk that I was being to them. They helped me in more ways than I could ever dream of, and all I did was be a grade A terror to them. When I finally grew up, and realized what I wanted to do with my life and how to do it, things got a ton better, especially between me and my Mom. And when I had to move back to Colorado after my internship in California ran out, we were in a really good place.
The move and swap that was planned hurt that a lot. It was and is the best thing for my Grandmother, and us living in the house is the best scenario for my parents. The house doesn't have to be empty, they can rent to someone they know, and make a little extra money to help pay the bills. But at the same time, they moved from a 1250 square foot house, to a three room, (Not three bedroom, three rooms total) basement. After 18 years, they are giving that up to take care of my 97 year old Grandmother. Naturally they are stressed, and frustrated. I understand that completely, and I appreciate the sacrifice they are making for her. And really for us as well. While we aren't THE reason they did this, it was a contributing factor to be sure.
The problem I have is that somehow, I seem to have become the villain in this story. My parents have always taught me to take responsibility for my choices, and be willing to face the consequences of those actions, good or bad. So when they brought the idea of the house swap up, it was discussed for a long time. Everyone wanted to make sure that everyone else knew the consequences of this choice. So I thought it was understood. As time moved on and things didn't move, it became very frustrating to me that this wasn't thought about, and it seemed that no one, save Molly and I were concerned, frustrated, angry, etc., with how slowly this was progressing. After a blow up with my Mom on Memorial Day, some things were made clearer to me, and I understood better about what was going on.
Look, to be honest, I'm bad sometimes at seeing the whole picture, I try as best as I can to see the big picture in the most neutral way I can, but as I'm coming to learn, two things can cloud that very easily. One is my emotional involvement. The closer I am emotionally to it, usually the less I want to see it clearly. this is my issue and something that I will more than likely constantly try to make better in me. The second, as I'm coming to learn, is my wife's well being, both emotionally and mentally. My instinct is to protect her, and the more I see she is hurting, the more I want to. . . For lack of a better term. . . "HULK SMASH!!" things until they are the way I think they need to be. I know I got some of that from my Dad, and honestly, I am thankful for it. I always want my first thought to be about protecting her, and making it right for her. Not just because it's what I want.
After this moving day comes along. And there is another blow up. And I am equated to being the mean son who is forcing his parents out of their life. How dare I.
Now I'm fairly sure that my parents were not intentionally trying to make that equation, but in their actions and words they conveyed that to both Molly and I very, very clearly. And since that weekend, we have not talked or interacted in the same way. And it hurts. A lot. Not only because I feel that the relationship that I had with them has been damaged, but also because of the blame, and the (as I see it) lack of thought of the consequences of their choice in this issue.
Moving on to other things.
We went to Nebraska with Molly's family over the fourth of July for the annual Lockhart family reunion. I was very nervous about going. Not because I didn't want to go, but because I hardly knew anyone going outside of my immediate in-laws. And I felt like being the new guy would one of two ways. Everyone would simply ignore me, which wouldn't be great seeing as I've become part of the family. Or I would be under the microscope something fierce. That didn't excite me either, as the need to "be perfect" ran through my head many times. One of the things I have a hard time with, is over thinking what someone else might think about me. And I do it all the time. I constantly think, "what if I screw up? What things are they saying?" And I usually think of the worst thing I can, then amplify that, so me being under the microscope and and feeling like I have to be perfect to make sure no one will say or think any thing bad, was a ton of pressure to put on myself. Things went fine, and as usual I over thought things and ended up having a great time. I did a lot of things that I enjoyed, and generally was relaxed and had very little worries about anything.
*Though a note to my in-laws; Just because I liked one thing more than others, does not mean I didn't like everything else. :-)*
Well, I think that's all I can think of at the moment. I'll try to keep updating regularly again, now that life has slowed down
