Apparently I'm either really busy, or I just don't keep my word very well. I told you on my last blog that I would try to update more regularly since life has slowed down. I think I'm insane. Because I don't think life has slowed down, I think the things that were priorities at the time have gone away and have now been filled with other high priority items that are causing life to move at that hectic pace again.
So. . . Where to begin.
Married life is going well. We keep getting that question asked of us, "How's married life?" Like after three months, I'm going to look at you and go; "Man I tell you, it's the worst thing ever. . . I can't believe I did this." I'm not going to say that. For one thing I don't feel that. I love my wife, and while I know that things will not always be easy, I know that my happiness in my marriage is not based on our circumstances or anything like that. My happiness is a choice that I make everyday. Have we had our ups and downs? Of course we have. The move took its toll on us several times, and we had several "fights" about what to do about the situation. I put fights in quotations, because while we have fought about issues, it's not this knock-down, drag out screaming match that most people envision. We've had heated discussions about family, fallout of the move, job stresses, life stresses in general, things that were hard to go through. I look back at all of that, and I'm thankful for this. We made a commitment to each other at the beginning. No matter how we felt, no matter how we hurt, no matter what was going on, we would always talk about the issue at hand. And while we've not always done the best at that, and we've not always done that the way we should, because we made the choice BEFORE we got married, before all of this came to a head, we've been able to be more consistent and better at it then we ever would if we went into our marriage thinking, "We're never going to fight!"
On another married note, we both got to taste the sickness part of our vows recently. We both came down with what we think were some mild food poisoning. Fortunately, at different times, so we weren't both out at the same time, but it was still an interesting time for both of us. Now yes, this is just a small taste, and it was over quickly, but you learn a lot about yourself and your spouse when they are sick. Nothing major to report, we got sick, got better, life moved on.
Softball season is over with, and as of right now my affiliation with the YMCA and any team sports will not be renewed. Ever.
Most of you who know me, know I'm a big stickler for the rules. I believe rules are there for a reason, and I hold to them very tightly, even if it sometimes costs me because of it. I would rather lose by the rules then win by not having one enforced. I may not like all the rules in place, but I will abide by them the best way I can. Many times, I have been yelled at by my own team, for making a call that was the rule. I don't care. I expect everyone to follow the rules, therefor I can't simply abide by them when I see fit.
This came to a head in the playoffs for our Church softball team. My biggest issue with this league is the fact that they won't supply umpires who know the rules of the game. They tell the teams that they need to "Self officiate". Yes. You read that right. We are responsible for umpiring our own games. Really?!? Because as human beings, we are SO honest and everyone plays by the rules. Of course I would settle for teams supplying umpires who know the rules first. This has been a constant battle, with teams supplying someone who watches a few baseball games, and thinks they are the end all in umpiring. Even though we have some VERY different rules.
But what happened with our team was not a result of an umpire who didn't know the rules, but of the management of the league who decided to change the rules WRITTEN BY THEM on the spot.
Quote: Rule (2)(B)(3) says “If a game is called because of weather, it will not be the official game unless 4 complete innings have been played or 1 hour has expired.”
Our last game, we played 4 full innings. We were up 11 - 8 at the top of the fifth inning. And as per normal Colorado Summer weather, the rain came and flooded the field.
According to their rule? Game over. Done. Finito. Finale. We waited for 15 minutes for the rain to clear off and when it didn't we were fully expecting the game to be called. However, The Team sports administrator for the Colorado Springs YMCA declared that we would play two full innings, as soon as we could. that ended up being a full week later.
We ended up losing 15 - 13.
Now mind you, I'm not whining about losing. The other team came, brought their game and we weren't able to keep up. It happens. My issue is simply this. If you change one rule at a moments notice, why are any of the rules applicable? If you're going to change the rules for the "Spirit of the game", then why should I obey them? When "In the spirit of the game" I'm out one of my best players, so I'll just bring in someone who isn't eligible to be in the lineup, so I can keep my team as good as they could be?
Would we have been mad if they called the game and the rolls had been reversed? Sure, but it's the rules. And I can respect a loss when it's the the law. The YMCA was big about this being a church league and all of us conducting ourselves in a chirstian manner. I never see anywhere in scripture about changing the rules to make everyone happy. In fact, I'm fairly sure that the rules are in place for a very good reason.
Without law, without rules, and without the enforcement of those rules, all you have is anarchy. And generally a person will do whatever is necessary to conquer so that they remain on top. Sometimes the rules serve you, sometimes they bite you. That's the nature of them. But to simply change them so that (you hope) everyone can be happy? It never works that way. And I won't be a part of an activity where I play by the rules, only to have them changed at a moment's notice.
*WHEW* What a rant. . .
Until Next time.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
The ups and downs of life as we know it.
Wow, May 25th was the last time I was on and posted something. Time flies I guess. Well, most of you who ready my blog also read my wife's, so I'll try to make it different as best I can.
So let me catch up on where we are. We are finally moving into the house like we were supposed to be doing April 25th. 2 months late. Not bad I guess. Frustrating for me, but at least we can say we have a home finally. Rooms are being unpacked, put together, and most importantly, used. Molly cooked the first meal of our house last night, and we've had my very close friend staying with us for the week while he was in town. All in all we're making progress, and we are moving in the right direction. It has not been easy. Not even in the slightest. The weekend of the move has, (I think) harmed my relationship with my parents very deeply. Any of you who have known me for a while, know that up until a few years ago my relationship with my parents was rocky at best. It was my issues that I needed to deal with. I needed to grow up and I needed to stop being the jerk that I was being to them. They helped me in more ways than I could ever dream of, and all I did was be a grade A terror to them. When I finally grew up, and realized what I wanted to do with my life and how to do it, things got a ton better, especially between me and my Mom. And when I had to move back to Colorado after my internship in California ran out, we were in a really good place.
The move and swap that was planned hurt that a lot. It was and is the best thing for my Grandmother, and us living in the house is the best scenario for my parents. The house doesn't have to be empty, they can rent to someone they know, and make a little extra money to help pay the bills. But at the same time, they moved from a 1250 square foot house, to a three room, (Not three bedroom, three rooms total) basement. After 18 years, they are giving that up to take care of my 97 year old Grandmother. Naturally they are stressed, and frustrated. I understand that completely, and I appreciate the sacrifice they are making for her. And really for us as well. While we aren't THE reason they did this, it was a contributing factor to be sure.
The problem I have is that somehow, I seem to have become the villain in this story. My parents have always taught me to take responsibility for my choices, and be willing to face the consequences of those actions, good or bad. So when they brought the idea of the house swap up, it was discussed for a long time. Everyone wanted to make sure that everyone else knew the consequences of this choice. So I thought it was understood. As time moved on and things didn't move, it became very frustrating to me that this wasn't thought about, and it seemed that no one, save Molly and I were concerned, frustrated, angry, etc., with how slowly this was progressing. After a blow up with my Mom on Memorial Day, some things were made clearer to me, and I understood better about what was going on.
Look, to be honest, I'm bad sometimes at seeing the whole picture, I try as best as I can to see the big picture in the most neutral way I can, but as I'm coming to learn, two things can cloud that very easily. One is my emotional involvement. The closer I am emotionally to it, usually the less I want to see it clearly. this is my issue and something that I will more than likely constantly try to make better in me. The second, as I'm coming to learn, is my wife's well being, both emotionally and mentally. My instinct is to protect her, and the more I see she is hurting, the more I want to. . . For lack of a better term. . . "HULK SMASH!!" things until they are the way I think they need to be. I know I got some of that from my Dad, and honestly, I am thankful for it. I always want my first thought to be about protecting her, and making it right for her. Not just because it's what I want.
After this moving day comes along. And there is another blow up. And I am equated to being the mean son who is forcing his parents out of their life. How dare I.
Now I'm fairly sure that my parents were not intentionally trying to make that equation, but in their actions and words they conveyed that to both Molly and I very, very clearly. And since that weekend, we have not talked or interacted in the same way. And it hurts. A lot. Not only because I feel that the relationship that I had with them has been damaged, but also because of the blame, and the (as I see it) lack of thought of the consequences of their choice in this issue.
Moving on to other things.
We went to Nebraska with Molly's family over the fourth of July for the annual Lockhart family reunion. I was very nervous about going. Not because I didn't want to go, but because I hardly knew anyone going outside of my immediate in-laws. And I felt like being the new guy would one of two ways. Everyone would simply ignore me, which wouldn't be great seeing as I've become part of the family. Or I would be under the microscope something fierce. That didn't excite me either, as the need to "be perfect" ran through my head many times. One of the things I have a hard time with, is over thinking what someone else might think about me. And I do it all the time. I constantly think, "what if I screw up? What things are they saying?" And I usually think of the worst thing I can, then amplify that, so me being under the microscope and and feeling like I have to be perfect to make sure no one will say or think any thing bad, was a ton of pressure to put on myself. Things went fine, and as usual I over thought things and ended up having a great time. I did a lot of things that I enjoyed, and generally was relaxed and had very little worries about anything.
*Though a note to my in-laws; Just because I liked one thing more than others, does not mean I didn't like everything else. :-)*
Well, I think that's all I can think of at the moment. I'll try to keep updating regularly again, now that life has slowed down
So let me catch up on where we are. We are finally moving into the house like we were supposed to be doing April 25th. 2 months late. Not bad I guess. Frustrating for me, but at least we can say we have a home finally. Rooms are being unpacked, put together, and most importantly, used. Molly cooked the first meal of our house last night, and we've had my very close friend staying with us for the week while he was in town. All in all we're making progress, and we are moving in the right direction. It has not been easy. Not even in the slightest. The weekend of the move has, (I think) harmed my relationship with my parents very deeply. Any of you who have known me for a while, know that up until a few years ago my relationship with my parents was rocky at best. It was my issues that I needed to deal with. I needed to grow up and I needed to stop being the jerk that I was being to them. They helped me in more ways than I could ever dream of, and all I did was be a grade A terror to them. When I finally grew up, and realized what I wanted to do with my life and how to do it, things got a ton better, especially between me and my Mom. And when I had to move back to Colorado after my internship in California ran out, we were in a really good place.
The move and swap that was planned hurt that a lot. It was and is the best thing for my Grandmother, and us living in the house is the best scenario for my parents. The house doesn't have to be empty, they can rent to someone they know, and make a little extra money to help pay the bills. But at the same time, they moved from a 1250 square foot house, to a three room, (Not three bedroom, three rooms total) basement. After 18 years, they are giving that up to take care of my 97 year old Grandmother. Naturally they are stressed, and frustrated. I understand that completely, and I appreciate the sacrifice they are making for her. And really for us as well. While we aren't THE reason they did this, it was a contributing factor to be sure.
The problem I have is that somehow, I seem to have become the villain in this story. My parents have always taught me to take responsibility for my choices, and be willing to face the consequences of those actions, good or bad. So when they brought the idea of the house swap up, it was discussed for a long time. Everyone wanted to make sure that everyone else knew the consequences of this choice. So I thought it was understood. As time moved on and things didn't move, it became very frustrating to me that this wasn't thought about, and it seemed that no one, save Molly and I were concerned, frustrated, angry, etc., with how slowly this was progressing. After a blow up with my Mom on Memorial Day, some things were made clearer to me, and I understood better about what was going on.
Look, to be honest, I'm bad sometimes at seeing the whole picture, I try as best as I can to see the big picture in the most neutral way I can, but as I'm coming to learn, two things can cloud that very easily. One is my emotional involvement. The closer I am emotionally to it, usually the less I want to see it clearly. this is my issue and something that I will more than likely constantly try to make better in me. The second, as I'm coming to learn, is my wife's well being, both emotionally and mentally. My instinct is to protect her, and the more I see she is hurting, the more I want to. . . For lack of a better term. . . "HULK SMASH!!" things until they are the way I think they need to be. I know I got some of that from my Dad, and honestly, I am thankful for it. I always want my first thought to be about protecting her, and making it right for her. Not just because it's what I want.
After this moving day comes along. And there is another blow up. And I am equated to being the mean son who is forcing his parents out of their life. How dare I.
Now I'm fairly sure that my parents were not intentionally trying to make that equation, but in their actions and words they conveyed that to both Molly and I very, very clearly. And since that weekend, we have not talked or interacted in the same way. And it hurts. A lot. Not only because I feel that the relationship that I had with them has been damaged, but also because of the blame, and the (as I see it) lack of thought of the consequences of their choice in this issue.
Moving on to other things.
We went to Nebraska with Molly's family over the fourth of July for the annual Lockhart family reunion. I was very nervous about going. Not because I didn't want to go, but because I hardly knew anyone going outside of my immediate in-laws. And I felt like being the new guy would one of two ways. Everyone would simply ignore me, which wouldn't be great seeing as I've become part of the family. Or I would be under the microscope something fierce. That didn't excite me either, as the need to "be perfect" ran through my head many times. One of the things I have a hard time with, is over thinking what someone else might think about me. And I do it all the time. I constantly think, "what if I screw up? What things are they saying?" And I usually think of the worst thing I can, then amplify that, so me being under the microscope and and feeling like I have to be perfect to make sure no one will say or think any thing bad, was a ton of pressure to put on myself. Things went fine, and as usual I over thought things and ended up having a great time. I did a lot of things that I enjoyed, and generally was relaxed and had very little worries about anything.
*Though a note to my in-laws; Just because I liked one thing more than others, does not mean I didn't like everything else. :-)*
Well, I think that's all I can think of at the moment. I'll try to keep updating regularly again, now that life has slowed down
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Try as you may. . .
So I know I missed a week, and am a little late with this blog post, and for that I apologize. Things have been a bit Crazy since the last time we talked.
It's now been over a month since we were supposed to move and get into a groove of living our life in our house. Still not there, and things aren't necessarily getting better either.
I talked last time about how I was trying to set deadlines, and how that wasn't working. I still believe that, and have no issue with that. What I'm having a hard time with right now, is that every time we try to make the basement a little more like home, something happens to not only remind us it's not, but to make things even more difficult.
Last Tuesday, during the construction of the bathroom in the basement, the electrician determined that the electrical was out of code, and needed to be fixed. Not really an issue, seeing as it was installed in 1952, I can see how it would be out of code. However the problem became compounded when he ripped everything out without telling anyone until after it was done, and then, as of today. We still do not have power in the basement. Save for an extension cord that runs the refrigerator and our lighting system we have installed.
I know that this has to be done, and it will take a bit to get it done. But it felt like no one thought to ask and think about the fact that Molly and I are TRYING to live down there. So far, we have completely re-organized the rooms we are in, put up some Christmas lights to add some ambiance, and bought a couch so we could sit down there and be comfortable. At least the Christmas lights help so the we can plug them in and have some lighting down there. It's frustrating, because no matter how much people tell us that they are thinking about us, and that we are important, we find out about this stuff after we get home, and then it's like, oh well, sucks to be you.
I mean, we are living down there, don't we at least deserve some notice?
Oh well, on to other things.
Molly and I have talked about things that we did or didn't want to do or get until later on in our marriage, or until our working situation had changed. Well two weeks ago today, we broke one of those rules.
We got ourselves a dog. Now, I know that a dog is a serious commitment, and one that will try your patience and demand your time, which was one of the reasons we didn't want to get one until our work situation changed. However, sometimes those rules need to be broken, and we picked up a 4 month old Husky/Lab/Bull Mastiff mix pup that we have named Kuma. Molly found him on Craigslist and we went down to look at him and eventually got him. I wanted to make sure we didn't get an insanely active pup, one who we'd have to watch constantly, because we just wouldn't have the time. But he's a great calm dog, and learning very quickly for a four month old. I'm sure Molly will go into more details in her blog, and I'll keep you updated as well from time to time.
This is going to be a shorter post today, as I'm just not in the writing mood very much as of recently.
I'll catch you on the flip side.
It's now been over a month since we were supposed to move and get into a groove of living our life in our house. Still not there, and things aren't necessarily getting better either.
I talked last time about how I was trying to set deadlines, and how that wasn't working. I still believe that, and have no issue with that. What I'm having a hard time with right now, is that every time we try to make the basement a little more like home, something happens to not only remind us it's not, but to make things even more difficult.
Last Tuesday, during the construction of the bathroom in the basement, the electrician determined that the electrical was out of code, and needed to be fixed. Not really an issue, seeing as it was installed in 1952, I can see how it would be out of code. However the problem became compounded when he ripped everything out without telling anyone until after it was done, and then, as of today. We still do not have power in the basement. Save for an extension cord that runs the refrigerator and our lighting system we have installed.
I know that this has to be done, and it will take a bit to get it done. But it felt like no one thought to ask and think about the fact that Molly and I are TRYING to live down there. So far, we have completely re-organized the rooms we are in, put up some Christmas lights to add some ambiance, and bought a couch so we could sit down there and be comfortable. At least the Christmas lights help so the we can plug them in and have some lighting down there. It's frustrating, because no matter how much people tell us that they are thinking about us, and that we are important, we find out about this stuff after we get home, and then it's like, oh well, sucks to be you.
I mean, we are living down there, don't we at least deserve some notice?
Oh well, on to other things.
Molly and I have talked about things that we did or didn't want to do or get until later on in our marriage, or until our working situation had changed. Well two weeks ago today, we broke one of those rules.
We got ourselves a dog. Now, I know that a dog is a serious commitment, and one that will try your patience and demand your time, which was one of the reasons we didn't want to get one until our work situation changed. However, sometimes those rules need to be broken, and we picked up a 4 month old Husky/Lab/Bull Mastiff mix pup that we have named Kuma. Molly found him on Craigslist and we went down to look at him and eventually got him. I wanted to make sure we didn't get an insanely active pup, one who we'd have to watch constantly, because we just wouldn't have the time. But he's a great calm dog, and learning very quickly for a four month old. I'm sure Molly will go into more details in her blog, and I'll keep you updated as well from time to time.
This is going to be a shorter post today, as I'm just not in the writing mood very much as of recently.
I'll catch you on the flip side.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Sometimes it takes a 2x4. . .
May 10th. And we are still in my Grandmother's basement, and I don't honestly know when we'll be out. I asked last week for prayer that the work would be done by Friday, and that I would know when this became a safety issue for my wife. Thursday work had barely started. As of today, we are waiting for the first of four inspections to be able to complete the bathroom, so that Molly and I can move out. And it's really frustrating that this isn't done. that it hasn't moved, and it doesn't seem to be going anywhere.
And then Wednesday I had that moment of clarity that you get every now and then. Molly and I had just had another conversation about our current circumstances, and we were both feeling a bit tired and angry that God hadn't been answering our prayers the way we wanted.
But that doesn't mean he wasn't answering prayer.
I kept telling God that this needed to be done by this date, or Molly and I would go and find an apartment and move on. I kept telling him that this was needed, this was important. That this was what was best for everyone involved. And every time I told him that, something went wrong to delay the process of getting the bathroom done. Every time. It never failed. And finally it dawned on me, that I was demanding my schedule be done for what was best for me. Even though I said it was for us, (which I do believe that in the long run it is) it was really because I was uncomfortable and wanted things my way.
Sometimes the Lord gently nudges, other times he tells us pretty clearly.
And still others, he uses a 2X4 to inform us in no uncertain terms that He is in charge, and will work according to his timing.
I don't know why we still need to be in the basement right now, I don't know why we will still have to be down there for (probably) at least another week. But I know, that I have been told very clearly, that this is where we are supposed to be for now.
I don't like it. I don't understand it. I know that it can put a ton more pressure on our marriage then I think there needs to be. I want us to be able to move, I want this whole situation to be done. But I can't have that yet.
Maybe I have to learn patience. Maybe I have to learn what it is to lead in a situation that I really abhor. Maybe I need to learn how to better praise God when things aren't even close to going my way.
Maybe all of the above. All I know is at this point, is we can save some extra money to put away to help our future in whatever way that may be.
At some point we all have to learn that just because our prayers aren't answered the way we want, doesn't mean they weren't answered. I took me praying for this a bunch of times before I realized, this was God answering that prayer. And if something happens, and we have to find an apartment, then we do that. I have to trust that the lord will make it clear, if and when that time comes.
And then Wednesday I had that moment of clarity that you get every now and then. Molly and I had just had another conversation about our current circumstances, and we were both feeling a bit tired and angry that God hadn't been answering our prayers the way we wanted.
But that doesn't mean he wasn't answering prayer.
I kept telling God that this needed to be done by this date, or Molly and I would go and find an apartment and move on. I kept telling him that this was needed, this was important. That this was what was best for everyone involved. And every time I told him that, something went wrong to delay the process of getting the bathroom done. Every time. It never failed. And finally it dawned on me, that I was demanding my schedule be done for what was best for me. Even though I said it was for us, (which I do believe that in the long run it is) it was really because I was uncomfortable and wanted things my way.
Sometimes the Lord gently nudges, other times he tells us pretty clearly.
And still others, he uses a 2X4 to inform us in no uncertain terms that He is in charge, and will work according to his timing.
I don't know why we still need to be in the basement right now, I don't know why we will still have to be down there for (probably) at least another week. But I know, that I have been told very clearly, that this is where we are supposed to be for now.
I don't like it. I don't understand it. I know that it can put a ton more pressure on our marriage then I think there needs to be. I want us to be able to move, I want this whole situation to be done. But I can't have that yet.
Maybe I have to learn patience. Maybe I have to learn what it is to lead in a situation that I really abhor. Maybe I need to learn how to better praise God when things aren't even close to going my way.
Maybe all of the above. All I know is at this point, is we can save some extra money to put away to help our future in whatever way that may be.
At some point we all have to learn that just because our prayers aren't answered the way we want, doesn't mean they weren't answered. I took me praying for this a bunch of times before I realized, this was God answering that prayer. And if something happens, and we have to find an apartment, then we do that. I have to trust that the lord will make it clear, if and when that time comes.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
The New Normal
So it's Sunday morning at 6 am and I'm sitting here writing this blog. I've found that I'm waking up almost without an alarm now. I'm hoping that I'm not turning into my Mom who gets up with the sun, and this is just a phase that will pass. But it got me thinking a little bit today about the "New Normal" that both Molly and I are starting to learn.
It's not a bad thing that we are having to learn it, but it is different. And it is something that while I thought I knew the depth of it, I really didn't. Like most things I've been asked about, I told people that I know there will be issues, I just won't know the depth of what we are going through until we actually start going through them.
We've been married for two weeks now, and I still don't think it's truly hit me in a real tangible way. I haven't had the semi-truck smashing thought of what I did, and what my life will be like. My dad said it didn't hit him until almost four years after his marriage, so I don't know when mine will hit. The Honeymoon was great. We had a week off, we could enjoy the relaxation and just get away. We enjoyed time with friends and, we learned (at least on a smaller scale) how to deal with another person in bed with us. It was great.
Then we got home, and suddenly life came steamrolling back. We still haven't figured out where home is, work was more nuts than normal, and now we were dealing with the fact that life for us wasn't ever going to be the same.
It hit Molly really hard the first night. Realizing that she wasn't going back, to her parents house. That this was what was to be the standard now. The lack of our own place still didn't help either. And I felt, and still feel to a degree helpless. I knew the leaving the family would be the hardest for her. She's spent her life there, she loves her parents and siblings deeply, and I had done the separation thing with my parents awhile ago, so it wasn't a huge deal for me. But to not have our own place lined up still after the wedding, made it ten times harder than it should have had to have been, and I had no way to fix it, or to make it easier for her to transition into. I love my wife, (and no, the fun of saying that hasn't worn off yet) and to not be able to fix this made it even harder to start the process of learning to work with this "New Normal".
A week has now gone by in the wait for our place. And I don't know if we'll hit our deadline for the wait, or have to find a place to stay temporarily, while we wait for the place that should have been ours when we get back to get done. Mind you I'm not blaming anyone for it not being done. There are roadblocks that were hit, no one knew about and took time to get done. But I promised Molly that we would set a deadline for this and stick to it. I don't want to stay where we are at indefinitely, I don't even want to stay here longer than about 2 weeks, which is the deadline we set in the beginning. At the same time, we looked at our budget, and we will be tight for awhile as we start to pay off the mountain of student loans we have. (Much more me than her) And to get an apartment now would make it harder for us to start saving and trying to build for our future. I feel like I'm getting to the point where we will have to make a decision for either, our sanity from this mess, or really helping our long term financial future.
I know we aren't the first couple that's had to stay with relatives right after we got married, and I know that they have survived. I guess it just simply the fact of wanting this done for so long, and it still not being where we wanted it. I want to start learning this "New Normal" with Molly in our own place, not with relatives and other craziness that can make things difficult for couples that have been married for years, let alone just getting started.
And no matter how it affects us, we aren't the only ones it's truly affecting. I will always choose to keep my wife safe, and if it comes down to that, we will move and take the financial hit. But I look at our situation, and I have to really ask if it's truly a safety thing, or if it's just uncomfortable and annoying that things haven't gone to plan. And if it's the latter, we have to be willing to take the comfort hit for the sake of everyone else involved.
So if, there was something you could all pray for? That the work on my Grandmother's house would get done this week, and that I would have the wisdom to know if and when it stops being a comfort issue, and becomes a safety of my wife issue.
It's not a bad thing that we are having to learn it, but it is different. And it is something that while I thought I knew the depth of it, I really didn't. Like most things I've been asked about, I told people that I know there will be issues, I just won't know the depth of what we are going through until we actually start going through them.
We've been married for two weeks now, and I still don't think it's truly hit me in a real tangible way. I haven't had the semi-truck smashing thought of what I did, and what my life will be like. My dad said it didn't hit him until almost four years after his marriage, so I don't know when mine will hit. The Honeymoon was great. We had a week off, we could enjoy the relaxation and just get away. We enjoyed time with friends and, we learned (at least on a smaller scale) how to deal with another person in bed with us. It was great.
Then we got home, and suddenly life came steamrolling back. We still haven't figured out where home is, work was more nuts than normal, and now we were dealing with the fact that life for us wasn't ever going to be the same.
It hit Molly really hard the first night. Realizing that she wasn't going back, to her parents house. That this was what was to be the standard now. The lack of our own place still didn't help either. And I felt, and still feel to a degree helpless. I knew the leaving the family would be the hardest for her. She's spent her life there, she loves her parents and siblings deeply, and I had done the separation thing with my parents awhile ago, so it wasn't a huge deal for me. But to not have our own place lined up still after the wedding, made it ten times harder than it should have had to have been, and I had no way to fix it, or to make it easier for her to transition into. I love my wife, (and no, the fun of saying that hasn't worn off yet) and to not be able to fix this made it even harder to start the process of learning to work with this "New Normal".
A week has now gone by in the wait for our place. And I don't know if we'll hit our deadline for the wait, or have to find a place to stay temporarily, while we wait for the place that should have been ours when we get back to get done. Mind you I'm not blaming anyone for it not being done. There are roadblocks that were hit, no one knew about and took time to get done. But I promised Molly that we would set a deadline for this and stick to it. I don't want to stay where we are at indefinitely, I don't even want to stay here longer than about 2 weeks, which is the deadline we set in the beginning. At the same time, we looked at our budget, and we will be tight for awhile as we start to pay off the mountain of student loans we have. (Much more me than her) And to get an apartment now would make it harder for us to start saving and trying to build for our future. I feel like I'm getting to the point where we will have to make a decision for either, our sanity from this mess, or really helping our long term financial future.
I know we aren't the first couple that's had to stay with relatives right after we got married, and I know that they have survived. I guess it just simply the fact of wanting this done for so long, and it still not being where we wanted it. I want to start learning this "New Normal" with Molly in our own place, not with relatives and other craziness that can make things difficult for couples that have been married for years, let alone just getting started.
And no matter how it affects us, we aren't the only ones it's truly affecting. I will always choose to keep my wife safe, and if it comes down to that, we will move and take the financial hit. But I look at our situation, and I have to really ask if it's truly a safety thing, or if it's just uncomfortable and annoying that things haven't gone to plan. And if it's the latter, we have to be willing to take the comfort hit for the sake of everyone else involved.
So if, there was something you could all pray for? That the work on my Grandmother's house would get done this week, and that I would have the wisdom to know if and when it stops being a comfort issue, and becomes a safety of my wife issue.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Drumroll Please . . .
Well hello there! As you may or may not know. I am 5 days from my wedding. I haven't decided whether or not I'll post another blog this week to make up for next week, or just simply go away for a week and let it slide. Thoughts?
This past month has been crazy. I've dealt with a lot of uncertainties that I've felt going into this marriage, and things that have caused me to take a moment and ponder what it is I'm actually doing. Today though, I think I'm going to work a little differently. Today I think I'm going to focus on mostly what I am sure about, and what I feel more confident about.
Everyone keeps asking if I'm nervous. I know the answer should be "Yes, I am terribly nervous and it's only going to get worse." But in all honesty, I'm not nervous. I spent my twenties single, I got to grow up and learn about who I am. I got to be the free single guy for a time, and it was fun to be sure. But I'm ready to start taking the next step in my life. And that next step is getting married and beginning a family. I'm ready to make the transition from "single guy" to "Married Man". And to start to learn how to be the next step: "The Dad".
Of course I won't lie. I have no clue what all that entails, but I am ready to start the learning process. I never went through the, "I MUST GET MARRIED" stage. That thought of, "If I don't get married, I'm not complete." never came to my mind. A lot of that had to do with a tough relationship that had many, many downsides, and brought the relationship pain to the forefront. So I could have as honest a look at the relationship process as I could. And I knew that while it was something I wanted, it wasn't something I NEEDED to make my life complete. It took awhile to really practice it, but I figured out that God will use me in whatever state I'm in, and I simply need to be doing what I'm called to be doing at that point in time.
And so I'm ready now to be used by God in the state that I'm about to enter in to. So no, not nervous. Totally not prepared for the adventure, but not nervous.
What I am ready for is for some normalcy to begin to enter back into life. As my girl Posted on her Blog, we are in a MAJOR state of flux right now. And with all the planning, buying, learning, moving, setup, life, work. . . . We just don't have a state of normal we can crawl into. And I know, after the wedding, we'll have a new normal we'll have to get used to, but at least it will be a normal we can get used to. My dad told me, "Welcome to the new normal." And in some ways I can see that. From here on out, it's never going to be a same old routine. It will be different living, eating and sleeping with someone in that kind of proximity. Kids are a whole other issue, and we still have to figure out each other as we go along.
I just want to have something that, at least for a little while, won't be in a constant state of flux like we are in now. Neither one of us have a place that is ours. And I think that might be the biggest issue. Once we have "our place" no matter what else changes, that will be our refuge and we will be there to help each other through it.
Well, as I draw this blog to it's conclusion, I will say this. While I'm sure I'll have more and more questions on the other side of the wedding, I am looking forward to it, like I haven't looked forward to anything in a long time. And hopefully, I'll be giving you guys more positive type blogs about life, rather than the deep, thought provoking, (and a little depressing sometimes) blogs that have been in the past.
See you later this week. (Maybe ;-D)
This past month has been crazy. I've dealt with a lot of uncertainties that I've felt going into this marriage, and things that have caused me to take a moment and ponder what it is I'm actually doing. Today though, I think I'm going to work a little differently. Today I think I'm going to focus on mostly what I am sure about, and what I feel more confident about.
Everyone keeps asking if I'm nervous. I know the answer should be "Yes, I am terribly nervous and it's only going to get worse." But in all honesty, I'm not nervous. I spent my twenties single, I got to grow up and learn about who I am. I got to be the free single guy for a time, and it was fun to be sure. But I'm ready to start taking the next step in my life. And that next step is getting married and beginning a family. I'm ready to make the transition from "single guy" to "Married Man". And to start to learn how to be the next step: "The Dad".
Of course I won't lie. I have no clue what all that entails, but I am ready to start the learning process. I never went through the, "I MUST GET MARRIED" stage. That thought of, "If I don't get married, I'm not complete." never came to my mind. A lot of that had to do with a tough relationship that had many, many downsides, and brought the relationship pain to the forefront. So I could have as honest a look at the relationship process as I could. And I knew that while it was something I wanted, it wasn't something I NEEDED to make my life complete. It took awhile to really practice it, but I figured out that God will use me in whatever state I'm in, and I simply need to be doing what I'm called to be doing at that point in time.
And so I'm ready now to be used by God in the state that I'm about to enter in to. So no, not nervous. Totally not prepared for the adventure, but not nervous.
What I am ready for is for some normalcy to begin to enter back into life. As my girl Posted on her Blog, we are in a MAJOR state of flux right now. And with all the planning, buying, learning, moving, setup, life, work. . . . We just don't have a state of normal we can crawl into. And I know, after the wedding, we'll have a new normal we'll have to get used to, but at least it will be a normal we can get used to. My dad told me, "Welcome to the new normal." And in some ways I can see that. From here on out, it's never going to be a same old routine. It will be different living, eating and sleeping with someone in that kind of proximity. Kids are a whole other issue, and we still have to figure out each other as we go along.
I just want to have something that, at least for a little while, won't be in a constant state of flux like we are in now. Neither one of us have a place that is ours. And I think that might be the biggest issue. Once we have "our place" no matter what else changes, that will be our refuge and we will be there to help each other through it.
Well, as I draw this blog to it's conclusion, I will say this. While I'm sure I'll have more and more questions on the other side of the wedding, I am looking forward to it, like I haven't looked forward to anything in a long time. And hopefully, I'll be giving you guys more positive type blogs about life, rather than the deep, thought provoking, (and a little depressing sometimes) blogs that have been in the past.
See you later this week. (Maybe ;-D)
Monday, April 4, 2011
Am I really ready?
12 Days and counting.
I had someone at church yesterday ask me if it was real yet. I answered that it's getting more and more real everyday, but that I don't know when it will truly hit home. I've talked in other posts about things that have made it more real, so I won't go back into them, but I know it's not truly real yet, and it scares me a little that I don't know when it really will be. I look at it a lot like I look at life in heaven. I understand the fundamental concept, but I can't grasp the weight of it, what it's really going to look and feel like. I know the basics of me marrying my girl, what that all entails, but as I said in my last post, I'm just now beginning to come to the edge of the the true gravity of the situation and circumstances. I don't know what our life together is going to look like. I don't know how it will work. I can't plan for every situation, reaction, and fallout. I can't really plan for anything. I can just hope I've got the basics down as best as I can, and ride out the little things.
But I can't imagine what it's REALLY going to be like. I can't see how all the little things are going to work themselves out, and how we will behave towards each other.
And at a basic level, that scares me to death. Most of you who read this know that I plan. All the time I'm working out different scenarios and the outcomes, what my moves are, what reactions will be, move/counter-move, all that. But I can't do that here. Just when I think I might have it down, something changes, something I didn't see. And I have to fundamentally look at what I thought might happen, and most of the time, I have to throw that out the window and start over. (NOTE: Anyone married is probably laughing right now, because you know this like a bad history lesson.) And at my base level I don't like that. I don't like not knowing how to handle a situation, because it makes me feel like I'm not prepared or I wasn't good enough to prepare properly. Which then leads to the idea that I'm not ready.
I've been asked if I'm ready. I've asked myself if I'm ready. And I know I'm not. I know I'm not supposed to be ready either. I know that if I'm prideful enough to believe I am ready, I'm in for a big, nasty, unpleasant, surprise. But at my base level of who I am, the doubt always seems to creep in. "If you're not ready, you're not good enough!" And I feel like a failure. I feel like I won't be able to be the man my girl needs and deserves. Not simply that I won't do it, (that leads us down a whole different rabbit trail) but that quite simply, I can't do it. I don't have the ability to do it at all, let alone simply choose not to do it.
And that's what I fight with every time I make a mistake in our relationship. The thought of, "YOU CAN'T EVER DO IT RIGHT!" shoots through me like a freight train. I know I screwed up, I know I made a mistake, I know that I'll do it for the rest of my life with her. And I know that it's not the fact that I did it that matters, it's that 1. How I handle myself afterwords matters more, and 2. That I am constantly striving to better myself and do it less and less. But it doesn't stop the thought. it doesn't make me feel better at that moment. And it really makes me wonder if I am really ready for this at all?
Am I ready at any kind of level for the change in my life that's about to happen? Am I the man that she deserves to have at any level? Can I really do what I need to do when the time comes? A lot of people say that no you can't, you never will. That's what God is for. And I agree with that to a point. I truly believe we are all fallen, that we all will eventually choose to be selfish and do what's best for us without the aid of the Holy Spirit, I also believe that we are responsible for our actions. Good or bad.
I heard vows at a wedding once that said "I can't do this, only God will make this work." Does that mean that if things go bad, it's God's fault because he didn't make it work? That somehow we can absolve ourselves from the responsibility of doing our part because we are obviously going to fail? No, absolutely not. We need God because we need an outside power to tell us straight and to the point that "this is right, and that is wrong". We need the Holy Spirit to act as a true and holy voice to reinforce our conscience. We know what right and wrong behaviors are, we just can eventually learn to tune it out. The Holy Spirit gives us support to do the right thing because we desire a relationship with our creator.
But in the end, we have to make the decision. We have to decide what we are going to do. God is not making our choices for us, He is not pressing our buttons to make our marriage, or work life, or faith life work. We push the buttons, and we are wholly responsible for the consequences of those actions.
And that's just more and more responsibility that we have. I know a lot of people don't like that word. Like it's some sort of disease, "EWW! He's infected with RESPONSIBILITY!" Because we don't like the fact that we have no one else to blame if we do wrong, and we are held accountable for it. Yet we love to take responsibility if we do something right and there's a reward. But it always matters, and it's becoming more and more apparent to me everyday.
As I look at my future, I realize that at the cornerstone of what I'm building for our marriage needs to be this:
Good or bad, I am and will be responsible for every decision I make in my marriage, and I can't pass that on someone else. I can't say it's not my fault, or it's not my choice. I have to be willing to own up to what I do all the time, and the decisions I make. And I have to live with what happens. I have to accept it and fix what's wrong, accentuate what's right, and move on once it's done. And I have to accept that I'm never going to add up to who I should be all the time, but that I will always persevere to be who I am required to be.
So am I really ready for married life? Nope. Not even close.
But, am I ready to take the reigns of my life and work to be the best man my girl deserves? Yes. Why you ask? Because God commands it, and She deserves nothing less.
I had someone at church yesterday ask me if it was real yet. I answered that it's getting more and more real everyday, but that I don't know when it will truly hit home. I've talked in other posts about things that have made it more real, so I won't go back into them, but I know it's not truly real yet, and it scares me a little that I don't know when it really will be. I look at it a lot like I look at life in heaven. I understand the fundamental concept, but I can't grasp the weight of it, what it's really going to look and feel like. I know the basics of me marrying my girl, what that all entails, but as I said in my last post, I'm just now beginning to come to the edge of the the true gravity of the situation and circumstances. I don't know what our life together is going to look like. I don't know how it will work. I can't plan for every situation, reaction, and fallout. I can't really plan for anything. I can just hope I've got the basics down as best as I can, and ride out the little things.
But I can't imagine what it's REALLY going to be like. I can't see how all the little things are going to work themselves out, and how we will behave towards each other.
And at a basic level, that scares me to death. Most of you who read this know that I plan. All the time I'm working out different scenarios and the outcomes, what my moves are, what reactions will be, move/counter-move, all that. But I can't do that here. Just when I think I might have it down, something changes, something I didn't see. And I have to fundamentally look at what I thought might happen, and most of the time, I have to throw that out the window and start over. (NOTE: Anyone married is probably laughing right now, because you know this like a bad history lesson.) And at my base level I don't like that. I don't like not knowing how to handle a situation, because it makes me feel like I'm not prepared or I wasn't good enough to prepare properly. Which then leads to the idea that I'm not ready.
I've been asked if I'm ready. I've asked myself if I'm ready. And I know I'm not. I know I'm not supposed to be ready either. I know that if I'm prideful enough to believe I am ready, I'm in for a big, nasty, unpleasant, surprise. But at my base level of who I am, the doubt always seems to creep in. "If you're not ready, you're not good enough!" And I feel like a failure. I feel like I won't be able to be the man my girl needs and deserves. Not simply that I won't do it, (that leads us down a whole different rabbit trail) but that quite simply, I can't do it. I don't have the ability to do it at all, let alone simply choose not to do it.
And that's what I fight with every time I make a mistake in our relationship. The thought of, "YOU CAN'T EVER DO IT RIGHT!" shoots through me like a freight train. I know I screwed up, I know I made a mistake, I know that I'll do it for the rest of my life with her. And I know that it's not the fact that I did it that matters, it's that 1. How I handle myself afterwords matters more, and 2. That I am constantly striving to better myself and do it less and less. But it doesn't stop the thought. it doesn't make me feel better at that moment. And it really makes me wonder if I am really ready for this at all?
Am I ready at any kind of level for the change in my life that's about to happen? Am I the man that she deserves to have at any level? Can I really do what I need to do when the time comes? A lot of people say that no you can't, you never will. That's what God is for. And I agree with that to a point. I truly believe we are all fallen, that we all will eventually choose to be selfish and do what's best for us without the aid of the Holy Spirit, I also believe that we are responsible for our actions. Good or bad.
I heard vows at a wedding once that said "I can't do this, only God will make this work." Does that mean that if things go bad, it's God's fault because he didn't make it work? That somehow we can absolve ourselves from the responsibility of doing our part because we are obviously going to fail? No, absolutely not. We need God because we need an outside power to tell us straight and to the point that "this is right, and that is wrong". We need the Holy Spirit to act as a true and holy voice to reinforce our conscience. We know what right and wrong behaviors are, we just can eventually learn to tune it out. The Holy Spirit gives us support to do the right thing because we desire a relationship with our creator.
But in the end, we have to make the decision. We have to decide what we are going to do. God is not making our choices for us, He is not pressing our buttons to make our marriage, or work life, or faith life work. We push the buttons, and we are wholly responsible for the consequences of those actions.
And that's just more and more responsibility that we have. I know a lot of people don't like that word. Like it's some sort of disease, "EWW! He's infected with RESPONSIBILITY!" Because we don't like the fact that we have no one else to blame if we do wrong, and we are held accountable for it. Yet we love to take responsibility if we do something right and there's a reward. But it always matters, and it's becoming more and more apparent to me everyday.
As I look at my future, I realize that at the cornerstone of what I'm building for our marriage needs to be this:
Good or bad, I am and will be responsible for every decision I make in my marriage, and I can't pass that on someone else. I can't say it's not my fault, or it's not my choice. I have to be willing to own up to what I do all the time, and the decisions I make. And I have to live with what happens. I have to accept it and fix what's wrong, accentuate what's right, and move on once it's done. And I have to accept that I'm never going to add up to who I should be all the time, but that I will always persevere to be who I am required to be.
So am I really ready for married life? Nope. Not even close.
But, am I ready to take the reigns of my life and work to be the best man my girl deserves? Yes. Why you ask? Because God commands it, and She deserves nothing less.
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